The Dirtywhirl of Life(Not Finished!!)

The day. I remember so clearly. I walked into her room, calling out her name, scared. There was no response. I looked in every room until there was one left. The bathroom. I whisper to myself “She can’t be in there.” I slowly push the half closed door and there I see her half lifeless body. I scream her name and run towards her. I kneel and pick her up in my arms and she just softly looks up at me and whispers “I love you Victor. I’m sorry.” And that’s the moment she went limp into my arms. She was gone. Gone forever.

          I look down at my feet as I walk down the crumbled, gray sidewalk. Someone rushes by me and I look up as they hit the bouquet of flowers I hold in my hand. “A**hole.” The man doesn’t even notice I was even there.  I look gently up as I see an opening to the right side of me. The fencing stopped. I’m here. I look up towards the sky and I see the words “Mortuary Cemetery”. I find this name very funny, but I mean it was built in the 1920’s and surprisingly still standing. “Heh. I really need a real sense of humor. Oh well.” I walk in very slowly, for some reason expecting all the graves around me to start shaking and have the start of a zombie apocalypse right in front of my eyes. But that doesn’t happen, of course. I walk deeper and deeper into what seems like miles of just dead bodies under old graves and won’t even show the name of who’s underneath them. Final I spot a newer one that I can read. “Samantha Madison. . .” I whisper to myself as I try to choke back all the tears and emotions. I sit in front of the tombstone and just read her name, over and over again. I just can’t believe how I lost her. I lost her to my stupidity. Only if I would have ran to her house. Only if I wouldn’t have bought that pack of smokes on my way. Only if is all I can ever say anymore because I can’t do a damn thing to bring her back. I gently lay the bouquet of flowers against her tombstone and the ground. Her favorite. Crimson roses. I can just see her smile shine and eyes sparkle if she’d see these. I pull my pack of smokes out of my pocket and take my lighter out with the corner cigarette. I light it and take a long drag. “I think these damn things are the only thing ever keeping me alive.” I chuckle to myself. Then I hear a girlish giggle from behind me. My eyes widen as my back straightens. I gently turn around, not too fast but not too slow like an old creepy man watching little girls play from a park bench. As I look up towards the sky, I see this girl. My age. Long dark hair. Deep brown eyes, like hers. My size, which is pretty scary if you see an 18 year old, male weighing around 115lbs. She can’t even start off a conversation right. “So you’re here to see Sammy too? I still can’t believe she’s dead. I miss my sister. It’s quiet around the house.” Now I know who this mysterious girl is. Victoria Madison; Samantha’s 16 year old sister, only two years younger then Sam. I think to myself ‘Well this escalated quickly.’ “Well if you want to put it bluntly, yes, why wouldn’t I visit her? She was my girlfriend remember Vicki?” I stand up slowly. I don’t enjoy her presence, she’s just, she acts so stupid, or maybe she is. Hmm. She just stares at her sister’s grave for several minutes like she’s turned dead herself. I look at her and try to study her mind. ‘Why is she even here? Does she do this every time she is here? What is she thinking about?’ I can’t stop asking myself all these questions and by the time I come back to reality I’m staring at a different persons grave and she disappeared. “THE HE-!!! Where did she go?” I shrug it off then look back down at Sammy’s grave and there’s a colorful card right behind my flowers I laid down. I kneel down and pick it up, look at the drawing on the cover and then open it.

‘Sammy, I know you really can’t read this but I know somehow you’ll get my message; I can’t do this anymore. Mom and Dad are always yelling at each other about having no more money ever since you left. Plus with Mom asking for more hours and Dad always having the “never come home” job I’m always alone. I don’t like being alone anymore. Sammy, I want to know why. Why did you leave everyone alone? You left Mom, Dad, Grandma, all your friends and me to fight this damned world alone. Especially Victor. I don’t want him to fight alone like I am. Honestly, I want to fight with him, I want to be as happy as you were with him, but of course it won’t happen, he said at your funeral how you guys would be together forever in his heart so I understand. Sammy, I love you. Plus I’m going to join you at those pearly gates soon. Please wait for me.’  

After reading that I feel the warm tears slowly rolling down my cheeks. I can’t let her do that, she doesn’t deserve it and neither do her loved ones. I drop the card and run to her house and the front door is wide open but no cars in the driveway; I run inside and for instinct reason I run to the upstairs hallway bathroom and I see the same thing I saw the day I found Sammy, I see her half lifeless body. The bottle of pills Victoria held slowly rolls out of her hand and I sit her up against me and make her throw up most of the pills she had swallowed. My warm tears still fall down my face like Niagara Falls and she regains consciousness and she looks up at me and realizes it’s me and her eyes start to sparkle in the most beautiful jade green. I plead in between sob sessions, “Please don’t leave me. Don’t leave. Don’t leave.” My head is in my heart but the reality in me realizes that I’m pleading just like I did with Sammy. Do I have feelings for Victoria? Or is it all just the sympathy for her because of losing Sammy?

I smile as I look gently at her bright green gold eyes, shining with the sun. In my eyes, they’re brighter then the sun will ever be. She catches me looking at her and she giggles, “Stop it!” I smirk, “Stop what?! I’m not doing anything!” I chuckle. She just smiles and shakes her head gently and looks back up at the soft, light blue sky. I get lost in her eyes. It’s like there’s a whole other world just in her eyes. Those eyes can tell a story better then any novel that was ever written, or ever will be. “You know what I want to do one day?” she whispers softly to me as she still looks up into the sky. “And what’s that my love?” She blushes lightly and then turns to me excitedly, “I want to just lie down on a blanket at the park and just stare at the stars. The stars are an amazing founding actually, like when you look up and you can find the brightest one out there and for all you know it could have been dead for a million years, and yet it still shines so bright. Stars actually give me the slightest hope in life. Like I could be no one yet still shine brightly.” She smiles and looks up at the sky again but her eyes don’t shine as brightly as they did. I wrap my arm around her shoulders and leans my head against hers “Maybe one day, Ill make sure you get to stare up at the stars until you fall asleep.” I smile gently and kiss the top of her head. She breaks away from the grip of my arms, she balls her hands into fists, and screams. “REALLY?!?!” I can’t help but chuckle softly, “Of course, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you my love.” Then she wraps her arms around me so tightly that I gasp for air, and smile deep into her eyes.

After I come back to reality I find myself staring into Victoria’s deep, crystal blue eyes, like the ocean. Her crying has stopped. I can see the relief in her eyes. Then I hear the door downstairs open and a womanly voice call out Victoria’s name and I say loud enough to be heard but soft enough to show the despair, “Up here.” Then I hear fast footsteps running up the stairs and Victoria’s mother standing in the door way with her hands covering her mouth. I lower my head feeling ashamed for nothing, “She wrote it in a card she left at Sammy’s grave and I ran straight here. Ironic I saved Vicki but not Sammy.” I then lay Victoria against the bathroom wall and then rush past her mother, hoping no one saw the hot tears rushing down my face.

“Take me, this is all that I've got.

This is all that I'm not, all that I'll ever be.

I've got flaws, I've got faults.

Keep searching for your perfect heart.

It doesn't matter who you are.

We all have our scars, we all have our scars.”

All I can remember for weeks on end is the lyrics to Sammy’s favorite song. “Scars” by Allison Iraheta, I believe. She would always sing this to herself when shed be going through something rough, or just when she wanted to sing her heart out. She was a beautiful singer. Not just a singer, damn, she made everything beautiful. She made the deepest and hardest of art or music look so elegant. I never understood how she could always capture the deep-hearted message no one ever wanted to admit or understand and make it into something so eye-catching and wondrous. Sammy was like my own personal Wonder Woman, she could do anything.

One Saturday morning I wake up to the sound of someone knocking on my bedroom door and in a haze I say come in and squint my eyes to the door but I can barely see anything. “Ugh, too much sun.” I moan to myself and I hear a girlish giggle. I freeze. I look to the right of my bed and I see a womanly figure. Not really a woman, but a girl, teenager. I can’t make any features out. “I'm sorry I woke you up but I need someone and well, I don’t really have much of a choice on who I can go to,” the voice pauses to choke back tears, “I mean everyone thinks I’m a suicidal maniac and want to either keep me away from them, or not get enough of me to make sure I’m fine every second.” I finally realize who it is without seeing, I blink twice and I sit up finally being able to see and she hugs me. I wrap my arms softly around her and don’t let her go for awhile so she can feel safe. “I'm sorry; I just feel so scared, of others and well, myself.” After hearing those words, oh so similar to Samantha’s I just hold he tightly, and then she gently slides out of my arms and sits on the floor. I push the covers off me and then blush deep red realizing that I'm still in my boxers. She giggles. I run to my closet and slip into a pair of pajama pants and then sit in front of her. “I'm glad you came to me.” I whisper softly, looking down oddly at her hands. I notice how long and boney her fingers are. She has long nails and keep picking at them. “What do you mean?” “Well I mean you’re scared, right?” I smirk softly. “Well, yeah.” she blushes. “Does that answer your question?” I finally look up into the ocean blue eyes staring back into mine, which are poop brown, at least how I look at them they are. Victoria just giggles softly. “So,” I say awkwardly, “anything you were really looking forward to do with me today?” “Well not really. I mean . . .” Victoria blushes deep red. I chuckle. ‘Wow, she really likes me.” I say to myself in my head. “Hmm, how about we just watch movies? That’ll get your mind off things.” She smiles brightly at me as she can now not only see relief but feel the relief, lifted from her heart and her head. I smile back at her and take her hand and lead her downstairs. All I can imagine in my head is he me doing the same thing but with her sister. We always had movie nights like this.

“UGGGHHHHH!! I'm so bored babe, what should we do?!” Samantha leans her head back in frustration. I laugh at how distressed she is, “I really don’t know. How about movies? I mean those are pretty distracting.” She gasps and shakes my shoulders, “That’s the best thing EVER!” She jumps up, grabs my hand and takes us downstairs to the living room and jumps on the couch and throws the remote at my stomach. “Ugh! What was that for?” “I wanna watch movies!!” Samantha acts like a little kid with a huge smile on her face. I laugh and search through all the movies on demand and that night we end up watching almost every Disney movie made. The best part of our movie nights was to see how happy Sammy was. Like watching movies was an art for her; it took away all of her troubles and all the things she always worried about.

“So what do you want to watch Vicki?” I blush, realizing how I said Vicki. I usually called her Victoria. I feel so lost in my head, with my rational thinking. But I feel so right in my heart, with all my emotions. Maybe I do like Victoria. I just don’t know how else to feel. I just sit down on the couch. Maybe I need to watch movies to get my mind off things too.

Victoria and I watch movies until its 10PM. She’s half asleep as we watch the credits of the last movie we watched. I feel the need to wrap my arm around her shoulders and when I do her head gently falls into the space between my shoulder and neck and she curls up closer. My heart starts racing as my eyes focus on the top of her head. I don’t know what to do. Damnit, Victor why don’t you know what to do?!! She whispers softly to herself. I gut the guts to speak up, “Hmm?” Her head jerks back and faces me, “Oh nothing, I was just talking to myself. I'm tired I better get going. I have to lock up the house anyways, no ones home.” I think to myself, “Stay here.” I then jump up, run upstairs and then calmly walk back downstairs. She looks at me confused and I smile, “I’ll walk you to your place.” Victoria smile and gets up then walks towards the front door. I follow behind her. Her dress flows right in front of me and I can feel the butterflies start cracking out of their cocoons and flutter around in my stomach. We step off the porch at the same time and then she looks up at me. I find it cute how she’s about two and a half heads shorter then me. Yea, I'm really getting into her, but I don’t know whether it’s a bad thing or a good thing.

During the far walk from my house to hers, we end up holding hands and she seems too shy to do anymore, but her eyes tell more then her actions ever could. I could tell how much more she wanted our hand holding to mean, how much more of a closer relationship she wanted. Well I had the perfect idea to make her comfortable with me, yet it came out of no where. As soon as she almost walks into her door to lock the door and go up to her room, I hold onto her arm and pull her back gently to where our faces are right in front of each other, “Come home with me and stay the night.” She looks at me with wide eyes and blushes deep red, “R-Really??” “Yes,” I look down and blush, “go get various items that girls usually bring to sleepovers. I promise you, you’ll have the best sleepover.” I smile as I look into her eyes. She giggles and gently nods like she doesn’t have any words. Her words seem to get caught in her throat as she runs to room. But as I step inside the door step, I hear her door close and I hear a giggle/scream sound and I realize that pretty much every girl, no matter how deep or un-girly-like will make that sound when they are the most excited they could ever be. Everyday I sometimes think whether if I was supposed to be a girl. I chuckle to myself and in a matter of minutes Victoria runs down the stairs with her favorite bag on her back, with the happiest look I’ve ever seen on her face. I can’t help but smile to the point where it hurts my cheeks. She locks the door and looks up at me. I get lost into her eyes, and in less then no time we are back at my house cuddling on the couch. I just question how we got so close like we’ve known each other for years on end, yet we barely have spoken. That night we spent talking about our pasts, and our troubles, not even paying attention to the movies so we had to re-watch all the movies. As the credits to the last movie around 2:30AM finishes and I look over at Victoria and she’s fast asleep. I smile. I gently pick her up and quietly carry her to my room and lay her down in my bed, on the side against the wall then crawl in next to her and cover us in the covers.