"Sssssatirical Article"

Jakob Lucas
Period #2

 Are you looking for a good, friendly, kid-loving pet? Then why not buy a reticulated python?! Now I know what you might be thinking... "Why haven't I thought of that before?" Well, it's 'cause you're stupid! Here's why you should buy one of our pythons:

#1: They're friendly, as they'll always be willing to give hugs.
#2: They love kids and will always be willing to play hide-n-seek.
#3: They're so beautiful, they'll leave you breathless.

Not good enough for you? You greedy fu- Well, we got a special offer for you. Order right now, and we'll triple your offer! That's right, THREE pythons for the price of ONE! STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH, WELL HOW ABOUT FIVE PYTHONS?! Five pythons equal five times the fun! As well as five times the number of child strangulati- I MEAN, YEAH GO PYTHONS!

Order your python(s), right now!
Call: 1-773-SSS-NAKE
Website: www.pythons4all.com

And if you don't like the pythons, well suck it up! We're not taking them back, are you crazy? We don't want those child-devouring things back, they nearly choked out Brad! And Danny. And Kyle, Luis, John, Arturo, and then Danny again... Uh, I mean...

                   ORDER RIGHT NOW!